Nothing irks me more than watching a paranoid mother pick something off the ground and say to her precious child “Quick darling – six second rule!” She’ll then look around to make sure nobody sees her pop that filthy piece of bread into her kid’s gob. Phew. Still a good mummy. Made it in 5.8 seconds. Not bad, pat pat.
Calling on all parents of the 21st century to stop being so damn neurotic. Haven’t any of you heard of the six month or dare I say, the six year rule? A measly six seconds? Puhleeze – that is so…. so not old enough for germs to germinate people! Absolutely nothing can happen in six seconds. Bugs and parasites need at least six hours to go ballistic and start festering. If you lose a bean on the floor, a chip at Maccas, a grape on the driveway, don’t have a conniption – take a chill pill and listen up.
When my daughter was a toddler, she scraped a massive glob of old chewing gum off the seat of a dilapidated bench, frequently visited by deranged looking boozers. She happily chomped away until her dingbat mother realised she was munching away on something foreign.
When I inquired as to what was in her mouth, she giggled ”chewy under bench” grinning from ear to ear and pointing to the seat which now held the backside of a ginormous, tattooed and heavily pierced man. Actually maybe it was a woman. Still unsure….was it his gum?
“Oh f***ing hell, she’s going to die…” is about the only thing that went through my brain as I whisked her off the ground and plunged my fingers into her mouth, pulling out the grey mass of ancient Wrigley’s. I seriously wondered whether or not to call 000. Oh God, it’s been longer than six seconds! And it wasn’t even her gum!! What probably scared my daughter most was the quick shot of Glen 20 I gave her orally upon arriving home.
Today my daughter is very much alive and thriving. She developed no communicable diseases, herpes, mouth ulcers, diphtheria or ebola virus whatsoever. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the piece of chewy she munched on for a good minute, may have actually helped her immune system. Parents today spend far too much money pumping healthy bacteria into their children’s systems – take kiddy acidophilous for example. Hasn’t anybody considered utilizing the multitude of friendly bacteria in one’s car?
After the gum incident I somehow felt like a free woman and started letting my children regularly snack on whatever edible sustenance happened to be in our family vehicle. I hate to be wasteful you know and nowadays if I’m running late to school, I’ll often let the terrors graze on a fine assortment of yesterday’s food on the bottom of the carpet as I screech out the driveway. BTW – never neglect to scrounge in between the seats – this is where my son regularly discovers things like half eaten sausage rolls, finely layered with with probiotic fuzz -perfectly edible. We’ve found remnants of old kebabs, a few M&Ms, the odd chip, muesli bar bits, dried fruit, sultanas, all good tucker for crying out loud! It’s all there and it’s all quite nutritious my friends, all in the back seat of your very own car.
Six seconds, six weeks, six years…. have no fears.
© 2011 Allyson Seaborn |
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